The Crossing
by Kyllikki
Summary: Self-doubt rears its ugly head. (Post-ep for "Rotten," aired 1/24/03.)


**The Crossing**

by Kyllikki (kyllikki8@hotmail.com)

Disclaimer:  Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, only if I had several million bucks, four bucks.

Summary:  Self-doubt rears its ugly head. (Post-ep for "Rotten," aired 1/24/03.)

For Nic, who asked nicely.  Or something.  :)

***

The office was quiet when Olivia stepped out of the creaky old elevator onto the fifth floor of One Hogan Place.  The events of the afternoon had seemed to snowball, beginning with her confrontation with Cragen and ending with Edmunds' suicide.  The suspension was hardly a surprise to her -- though she had entertained the possibility that he'd find a way around it -- but the hurt in Cragen's voice had shaken her.  It wasn't that she _needed his approbation, exactly, but she knew he viewed her insubordination as a betrayal, albeit a small one.  His rebuke had stung, no question about it. Still, she knew the consequences going in and had made the decision with her eyes open.  Given the same set of circumstances, she'd do it again.  _

She had done the right thing, but at what cost?  The crimes of two dirty cops balanced against the hundreds of criminals who would now get new trials and the millions of dollars in lawsuits certain to be filed thereafter.  For all her protestations to Fin, Olivia had little doubt that the beneficiaries of her conscience were indeed scum who wouldn't think twice about killing her if she got in their way, despite the fact that she was the reason for their new leases on life.  And now they'd be back on the street, all because of her...  She shook her head.  No.  She had done the right thing, made the right choice, stood up for the rule of law.

So why had she ended up here, slipping quietly through the fifth floor of One Hogan Place after five o'clock, drawn to the small square of light emanating from the office at the end of the hall?

She poked her head in the half-open door, rapping lightly on the doorframe as she did so.  

Cabot jumped, startled, and looked up at her.

"Hey," Olivia said softly.  "I didn't mean to scare you.  Got a minute?"

Cabot nodded and indicated the chairs opposite her desk.  "Have a seat, Detective.  What's on your mind?"

Olivia sat, using the time to gather her thoughts.  "The other dealers those cops busted ... are they really just gonna walk out of prison?"

"If a judge determines that the testimony of the detectives was a substantial factor in their conviction, then they'll be entitled to a new trial.  As a practical matter that means yes, some of them will walk out.  Some of them won't."

"And what about the lawsuits?"

"The city will settle.  They won't want to go through the mess of discovery, and the brass is going to want to clear this up quickly."

Olivia nodded, looking down at her hands.

"Hey.  You didn't do this, Detective.  The conviction problems, the lawsuits, all of it -- is because of Cooper and Edmunds.  Not you."

Getting no response, Cabot rose and walked around to the front of the desk, leaning back on the edge of it.  "You did the right thing."

She chuckled.  "I keep telling myself that.  One of these days, I might actually believe it."

"Olivia," Alex said, reaching forward to touch the detective lightly on the arm, switching instantly from the professional to the personal, "I know this was hard for you.  And I do appreciate it."

"It's just ..."  Olivia paused, dizzyingly aware of the heat from Alex's hand, which still rested on her arm.  "What Fin said when we were leaving Rikers the other day, that every cop on the job thinks about killing off the more ... troublesome ... characters on his beat?"

Olivia looked up at Alex, whose slight smile and nod indicated that she should continue.

"It seems like every year on this job something like this happens, you know, 'there but for the grace of God go I.'  A few years ago, right after I started in SVU, Elliot and I were working a case with a guy who had been molesting his seven year-old niece since she was two."  Olivia couldn't keep the anger out of her voice even now.  

Alex's gentle touch became ever so slowly a caress, her thumb gliding softly against the leather of her jacket.  "What happened?"

"We showed up at his apartment with an arrest warrant, guy ran out the fire escape.  I followed him out that way and Elliot took the stairs in case he tried to come down.  I caught up with him on the roof probably forty-five seconds before Elliot got there, and I'm looking at the guy down the barrel of my gun, and he's got this _smirk_ on his face, so I start thinking how easy it would be to march him over to the edge of the roof at gunpoint and 'accidentally' let him fall."

Her voice began to break and she reached up to still Alex's hand, feeling unworthy of the compassion she was being offered.  However, her gesture ended up twining their fingers together and, surprised at how normal it felt, she let it be.

"Why didn't you?" Alex asked.

Olivia sighed.  "Elliot came bursting out of the stairwell door like a bat out of hell and we made the collar.  But if he hadn't been there..."  Her voice trailed off.

"What, you think you might have ended up like Edmunds?" Alex said.

She nodded.

Alex grasped her hand more tightly, giving added weight to her words.  "Olivia, listen to me.  You are not Edmunds, okay?  You said it yourself the other day -- there's a difference between thinking about it and actually doing it.  And you didn't do it.  Not then and not since, even though I'm sure you've had opportunities."

"Or maybe I'm just lucky," Olivia said, her voice thick.  "It's a fine line, you know?  Sometimes it gets easy to lose sight of it altogether." 

"Olivia..." Alex began, drawing a thumb across the back of her hand.

Suddenly the tangle of Alex's fingers between her own seemed too confining, and Olivia pulled her hand back.  "I ... I have to go," she stammered, rising to leave.

"I hear you got a ten-day suspension," Alex said, stopping her in her tracks.

Olivia whirled to face her.  "Not that I should be surprised, considering the level of gossip I've heard among cops these past few days, but you found out awfully fast."

"Credit your captain," Alex said lightly.  "He called to make sure I knew so you wouldn't come in and bamboozle me while you were sitting out."

"It's good to know he's not wasting any time spreading the good news."

"Relax." Alex gave her a lopsided smile.  "I think it was a way to let me know how much you had been willing to sacrifice for this case -- an object lesson in why I shouldn't let any of the guys in Sing Sing waltz out the door without a fight."

A slight smile crept across Olivia's lips, and she shot Alex a grateful look.  "I appreciate that, Counselor.  Good night," she murmured before turning to leave.

After Olivia left, Alex sank down into her chair.  "Good night, Detective," she whispered to her now-empty office.

****

Notes:  This is a 24-hour post-ep fic (i.e., no more than 24 hours between the end of the episode and posting the story), which was a bit of a challenge.  But fun!  You should try it!  Really!  Okay, I'll stop with the exclamation points now.  :)

Many, many thanks to jael for awesome InstaBeta.  


End file.
